這姿態你有，又或者沒有

她又忘了走葱。我又細細的再挑。不再挑誰的阿媽。挑戰不外乎：其實並無味道／妳不覺沒葱這東西的顏色像一坨糞／無意吃進一小顆妳又覺還是不覺。我無意做甚麼青葱公主，如一身藍一身黑的碗豆小姐。或者真的是不會覺的。但我只求個安心。那種每一口都不需步步為營的靜好。多麼細碎。我有的是耐性。也慣了某個誰，隨隨便便的答應我會走葱，結果轉頭就違背承諾。我習慣得了更大的背棄，實沿自這樣的，日日磨練。你是否真的明白。那種，看著她，唯唯諾諾的樣子，就失去了一切的信心。就已有自己慢慢走葱走到天昏地暗、麵爛餸枯的準備。為甚麼呢。在許下諾言的一刻，自己已小信了。失信其實是常態。一個外人，怕多說幾句就遭來嫌棄。所以我只說那麼一句：「走葱。」那麼的無望，那樣的短句。然後眼白白看著她迴首，好像把約定，忘了。她四處游走踱步，誰也沒有走葱，我的麵和誰的麵，都一樣，我與每一個人都一樣。

把筷浸進去，細細的挑。從前我拿過錯的筷，姿態像拿鉛筆。後來改掉。改的過程苦。像痙攣的孩子。但終歸都是改了。換來正確的姿態。後來才從麵檔的筷子套看見：正確的執筷姿態，可教大山挪移。而這個沒有誠信的世界，把我的筷子功，磨成利器。

浸進去的筷，像一根船槳，打撈浮屍，和垂死的人，若果有的話。

好像黑暗的海面。只有手電筒。搖曳著。神經質的光。

那次，你說了一個謊言。我不記得你的謊言是甚麼了。但我記得之後我一個人去喫麵。別人又忘了走葱。我就哭了。因為約定無論大還是小，都一樣。後來，在餐廳喫飯，又在哭。我忘記是因為甚麼事。有人說，十來二十歲就是這樣，很艱難。然後遇見認識的人。他問，妳哭甚麼，又有人忘了給妳走葱嗎。因為這種事哭，大概誰都覺得低能到難忘。

我從小喫到大的店子。每星期都去喫。有時連續好幾個早上。因為味道好。也其實因為他們永遠不會忘記我們之間小小的承諾。

loop at it

背著你跳舞
夏宇


背著你在島上走 戴著牽牛花
背著你注視屋簷落下的葛藤
穿過竹籬笆
用椰子油梳理浴後的長髮
背著你負疚 把海灘走遠走彎
背著你套上一個銅指環
在夜裡你就可以一一責備我，一邊飲酒
責備我在整片向日葵的田間背著你
慌亂生下我的小孩
花田裡遺失三顆鈕扣
就一塊兒收走炒葵瓜子
煉油
背著你放逐、流浪 參加賣藝團
再也不會變成你性急
瀕臨崩潰的新娘
背著你不理人不說話
讀陌生的書
捲紙煙
喝茶
你又可以責備我
這一次的分別果真就叫做永久
背著你流眼淚
背著你不時縱聲大笑
不經意又走過一遍
屏東東港不老橋
再也不能再也不能
我們再也不能一起變老
背著你淋雨
背著你跳舞背著你揮霍
背著你站在一棵樹下
不為什麼地就是很快樂
唯有快樂的時候可以肯定
你再也再也不會責備我
背著你背著你哀愁
哀愁我的快樂

以你之名

除了季節還有甚麼好寫的。人人書添衣道秋風，我卻明知你知身子要保重，你懂的比我通和透，我饒舌也是嘥氣。液體的水還是值得說的。事情找到相對無可替的隱喻便會被抹去。我七月時搭了飛機，你記得嗎。很短的途。才剛到最高，便開始下降。很短很短。看一套電影也不夠。然後在下降的當兒，我覺得好像有甚麼在慢慢的淹沒我。覺得無言以對。但我感到一點的不祥。不是那種致命的不祥。而是知道自己必定能撐過的那種不祥。那種不祥告訴你有排受，但它同時不會要你命。你知道你要有好一陣子受罪。這種不知所謂的苦罪。千真萬確但你也根本不好意思做文章。我當時怎麼沒想到，香港其實是個湖。下降就是要泡到湖水裡去。若我在水裡嚐到一點點，人的味道，我就猜也許你已溺斃在甚麼地方了。

為甚麼我說湖，不說海？因為，你要大費周章到別處去看海。我那天在夜裡看著大海，許久許久。在想，別處的海，明明和這裡的海，是同一片呀。你要去看的海，和我這裡看的，同一片呀。傑，為甚麼要到那麼遠的地方去。我唯有相信，其實我看的，只是湖。和哪裡也不相通相同的，一潭死水。

看海那天，我和一個朋友一起。他告訴我，他有個最要好的朋友。他每說一件那朋友做的瘋事，他便會加一句結尾：「我好喜歡他。」也許瘋狂與鍾愛並不掛勾。但他願意它們是如此連結的。一路說下去，我問他那人現在身處何方，他說，死了。

死了。那天我決定，不再只用楬色的畫框。我看到一個淡綠色的，另一個紅紅的，像淡了的朱砂。漂亮非常。我懷著那種過新生活的心境去要。售貨員替我打電話訂。她掛了電話，說：「沒有貨。妳選別的。」我說我可以等。她說：「不用等，是以後都沒有了。」然後隨手把那個樣品框丟到垃圾筒。

以後都沒有了。正如你每天送別那些感激你的人。你與我的工作，其實不過是一直在道別罷了，你不這樣認為嗎？

我與你不同的地方是，我其實無法忍受生離。我們究竟如何活著而別離？那麼的狠。那麼的畢直。

我有時仍浮現你畫圖時的模樣。那時連我都沒法幫你。你還有空給我點娛樂。那時好像還有點冷。傍晚很快就給出黑暗。你當時便那麼慢條斯理而準確地過著你的人生。從沒情敵可像魔鬼那般融和。我與牠，愛你的地方，大概都一樣。只因為缺口。只因為承受失敗時來得情何以堪。只因為，你那麼軟弱，那麼醜陋。又把這些都藏得何樣精緻，一如你黏的膠水、駁的接口。藏屍是你的專長，而這正是我畢生最大的爛攤。

那年我做了個夢。我殺了我的朋友，你就建了座房子，把我藏起。這真是個好夢，我願意再做一次。

你的不在﹐如此鮮明

其實已貼過太多次，但我太喜歡了。

該隱衍化出他的兒女，他兒女的兒女﹐以及他兒女的兒女的兒女﹐
歷經了一千個世代﹐他們全都是流離漂蕩的人﹐無論他們走到哪﹐
他們都會想起曾經有個一場第二次的創世﹐想起地上有道血奔走﹐
而且唱出悲嘆。而且讓上帝以一場大洪水滌淨這如此強烈的悲傷﹐
讓大水退去﹐只剩下水池、河塘和溝渠﹐而且讓它們全照出天堂。

而那些逝者﹐我們無時無刻都感受到他們不在的人﹐終將步入門來﹐
以如夢似幻﹐以習以為常的鍾愛撫摸我們的頭髮﹐他們無意讓我們
等這麼久。

也許回憶不只是預言的所在﹐它也是奇蹟的所在。

我們會自我解嘲﹐感覺被拋棄被迫害﹐永遠也不會知道她曾到過湖
邊﹐躺在那裏閉上眼睛﹐就為了我們再度歸來。她在我們心目中就
永不變容。我們永遠也不會知道﹐她的沉著猶如水的表層那般薄弱
﹐她的沉著護住她﹐猶如撲滿浮在平靜的水面上。要是她回來了﹐
我們永遠也不會知道她悲傷的本性﹐和她悲傷的深度。

《管家》10 瑪莉蓮．羅賓遜 Manlynne Robinson

涼了，我造夢我的左腳好痛好痛。然後打開衣櫃，說，我忘記我的校服是甚麼模樣。但我要上學。我很徬徨。我睡倒了。醒來時在內地的一間診所。他們用G字鉗壓住我的腳。時鐘上顯示是十一時，我說我要去上學。父親出現，說，就請假一天吧。我跪在地上就哭喊了，說，今天是星期一，你知道不知道。我要見我想見的人。我用紗布包好自己的腳，立即想回家拿校服，但火車站一部售票機都沒有。只有遊戲機，然後我面前掠過一群中學女生，她們穿著我校的校服，我才記得自己的校服是甚麼模樣。但一切都已太遅了。就這樣。

涼了，起來，昨夜那一湖水，都無影踪，我覺得好好。

只是不要再起來了。其實我也是會傷心的。

你試過這樣嗎。(其實，你試過了。) 你在街上走，看見轉角有條，長長的街。都是攤，都有貨。你轉過去，你看見，一地的溫柔，你問了價錢，店主說，都是你的，拿去吧。你怔住了。這些東西竟然全部、全部都是你的。你慌的把物事丟下，站起，你張眼，一街的店主，都長同一張臉。而所有攤裡的貨，都是你的。

全部、全部都是你的。於這條你生命裡，偶爾路過的街道中。

而是今天我已不想你回家




而是我想我們投進最腥臭的河流
你切掉你的食指，我割掉我的無名指
讓我們一起養頭最醜的狗



而是我也曾跳進過最髒的江水
我怪了你卻忘記黃色就是別離的顏色
正如你稱許過的花卉



我說不要動，我說不要害怕
我接下來要做的其實不那麼可怕
我只是不想再讓你回家



或者讓我們只把百體中的一體丟進大海
激烈的痛恨著變遷
但你在別處看的大海其實就是我們那年看的海


或者讓我祈禱你在天井邊租個房子
我讓你回家，但讓我敲你的門
或者祈禱我可以爬到燈塔的頂端
我讓你回家，但讓我向你揮手
或者祈禱我可以操流利的手語
我讓你回家，但讓我指手劃腳地愛你


在黑暗的幕簾裡我把耳際的髮都撥起
以我殘障無害的手背


讓我割，讓我跳舞，讓我躍下
只要你容許，而且看著
如果那會毀滅我

就在我們散步的沿河，就在你要踏上的樓梯
地磚的垢邊就是我們的十架

你不是把這當真了吧

沒事沒事
我只是今天不想讓你回家而已

回到家已很累。但在床上到六時都睡不著。後來就輾轉造了些夢。很長而記得很清楚。起來在枕頭上寫了許久。其中一幕，我夢見我在醫院的加護病房。每個人身上都有血。有的整條褪都浮腫，爛了三只腳趾。有的整個背都出血來。升降機無法用。護士都患了白化病。他們不斷問我，怎麼可以幫助我，我說，我只是路過的人，求求你們，讓我離開。然後他們給了我一具屍，給我刀。我把那屍切開了。他們說，真難為妳，這個狀態的屍，不好切的。我摸著那屍體內的脂油。一路的切。在我切屍的桌子旁邊，有個女人，臉色帶點綠，穿著手術袍，但底下還穿了內衣褲。就那樣躺著。護士抬來另一個一身血的人，要把她的床給那人。兩個護士一人抬手一人抬腳的要搬走她。她不斷反抗說床是她的她不要走。護士沒好氣的說，妳可不可以承認自己已經死了。她不信，我也不信。畢竟她這麼奮力的抗爭了。但是沒有。我看見她的臉上誰替她上了死人的妝。護士粗暴地扯開她的裙擺，說，看呀。我們都往那看。她的陰塞著綿花還漏出防腐劑。她知道她真的死了。她不斷的大叫，按著自己的頭，好像在給人拷問那般痛苦。

我便走了。走錯進男用的洗手間。看見一個披頭散髮的醫生。他說他也要逃跑，讓我們一起走。在後樓梯有另一升降機，他在等待時那麼焦急。甫進升降機他便開始神經質的大笑，不斷的掌摑我，和舔我的頸。我們明明只是要從三樓到六樓。但好像每一層都天地相隔那麼遠。很久之後，升降機門開了，他走出來問我為何頸都濕了。

我便回去加護病房，對某個人說，我給你殺掉兩個人的權杖，其中一人，就是那個醫生。請殺掉他。

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最近哭，都完全不能呼吸。幾近昏厥。有時也會嘔。好像在水底那般。一直向下沉。好像身體的不適要與心裡的競賽。要我選擇，留在黑暗的海底，還是陸地。而且要立即決定，因為在水裡的人，時間有限。還有時真的發現自己舉高了手，像個遇溺的人。




一晚又一晚。我好像給人，按頭在水頭，一遍又一遍。我再沒甚麼可告解。這場拷問到底要有甚麼結果。我的手緊緊揪住床沿。一晚又一晚。

於是我去找水刑的圖片。我找過水，刑求，頭，遇溺，按，等等字眼。到頭來，我找到的是，洗禮的圖畫。

其實蛾們也沒那麼愛光管

秋了，開窗。有蛾進來纏光管。我便去把光管關，雖然白天呢，在我眼中到處都是光。思量著牠放下它也需時。

事情卻是，兩秒不到，蛾便靈巧的閃身離去了。
決斷、敏捷、世故。

你不放光，你便甚麼都不是。你並不是唯一的光。並不。


即使要壯烈也不一定要你。就是那麼回事。

夜了。變黑的物事，不斷倍增。天空，電燈，桌面，食物，空間，書本。都變成黑的了。在那個黑暗的房間裡只有一個小窗。小窗外終日都有個暗影。方方的。沒有肢體要伸出來向我道安。互表和陸。即使有，我受的教養，要它和我，把一切，統統收起。我們並沒領受過別的和陸。更何況雀鳥也無靈魂。黑了我做甚麼都無所措。彷彿游泳。在水裡。除卻專注呼吸，其實再無所有。黑了我懼怕有誰會突然來敲我的門。需索無度地。對方的手也一定義無反顧地麻著痛了。我的門沒上鎖。他必定要我自己來應門。他必定無言無語，要我把自己虧欠過的一一填充補滿。我怕這個夜裡有誰要來敲這樣的門。更害怕他人到了門邊卻不動聲色，直待天明。

但你門外沒有我這個人。而門內也沒有你這個人的愧疚和懼怕。

天不再黑。換了光。我泡了茶。重新的，感到那有名姓的憤怒，和無以名之的悲傷。這時日，你在別處，和別人，有別的和陸。而我和你，爭戰都不再有了。被耶和華捲去了。只剩下鐵幕重圍的荒原。

我始終是有點耿耿於懷的。到最後，他們用紙張打造的新天新地裡，沒有你。

時間到了，變他方的佈景

有個概念，一直想做。聽的人，全都讚好。展覽的題都對了。場地都有了。只是，到了這刻，它已不值得我為之穿上任何款式的喪衣了。

就是這樣。沒有成灰，也沒有入土，屍身大剌剌的在。既不臭也不爛，也並不可惜。也沒有任何的分泌作配給。它只是那樣的，一模一樣地，再也不值得了。






有天，連寫，也不會寫了。還有那麼多的情懷可詠嘆，可消費。

wear (my) hat tight.