就好像我坐在一個房間內。海岸線就在房間的中央。我一直聽著浪聲，好久好久。然後水淹到我的腳邊。好冷好冷。然後潮漲。我無法離開。然後水淹到我的喉頭。好高好高。哽咽。我呀呀的，說不了話，也不知說甚麼才好。而我仍坐得那麼端正。
那就是，別人對我提起你時，我的感覺。
我想問你，如果二十二歲的時候，一個人會覺得自己是整個世界的中心，那麼二十三歲呢，世界的中心是怎樣的。我多想你告訴我。但沒有帕納索斯。也沒有第二次永生。也許我還未找到答案，便會轉眼變成二十四歲。二十四歲，一個可以活著也可以死去的年紀。時日已經無多。
讓我二十八歲，好不好。我想生一個孩子，我想紋身。我想只有只有我自己，寄一箱書，到很遠的地方。除此之外，我甚麼甚麼都不想要。
2010年1月17日 星期日
2010年1月16日 星期六
2010年1月14日 星期四
還未到，一二二
今天朋友打來說，雜誌出了。有他。我一時意會不來。雜誌出了與我何干。雜誌有他，而與我有關，究竟是甚麼事。片刻間我明白過來之後，我被一種悲傷淹沒。難以接續下去。是的，有他，也有我。雜誌的推出，按週發行。我們處於同一個週期。同一個世紀。我和他。是同一個年代的人兒。各自受苦，各自受難，各自承受不堪的福氣。但我悲傷。因為，他不在了。他其實不再是和我存活在同一個空間的人。不再在我的年頭裡。這是二零一零年。這是個沒有他的年份。但與他有關的人事物卻仍未完全過去。原來一年過去，事情仍然曖昧。而這種氣若游絲的碰觸竟是我和他之間最後和唯一的聯繫。
有我，有你。這句話多麼動聽啊。但一個有字，多麼虛妄。有我，有你。就好像在跟我強調你的在。又或者在告誡我你的不在。但無論是哪一種。但無論是哪一種。但無論是哪一種。是不是只是different names for the same thing。
對，有你。你快來了。而我其實沒有勇氣。傑，我現在在起跑線上，只有盡力的去跑，但其實我沒有勇氣。
有許多人，給他人左右行走的路線，甘之如飴。他們說：「每天都得見面。否則難忍難耐。」他們說：「不能到外國去。」他們說：「我要擁抱，不要喫飯。」我表面上恭敬明白，但其實內裡覺得匪夷所思。不明白那種道理。覺得野蠻。覺得不可理喻。而其實那麼坦然。好遙遠。看過去，人小小的。風景則蕩氣迴腸。真好。
很好啊。但其實我心裡，仍然，只想你能，活著回來。
有我，有你。這句話多麼動聽啊。但一個有字，多麼虛妄。有我，有你。就好像在跟我強調你的在。又或者在告誡我你的不在。但無論是哪一種。但無論是哪一種。但無論是哪一種。是不是只是different names for the same thing。
對，有你。你快來了。而我其實沒有勇氣。傑，我現在在起跑線上，只有盡力的去跑，但其實我沒有勇氣。
有許多人，給他人左右行走的路線，甘之如飴。他們說：「每天都得見面。否則難忍難耐。」他們說：「不能到外國去。」他們說：「我要擁抱，不要喫飯。」我表面上恭敬明白，但其實內裡覺得匪夷所思。不明白那種道理。覺得野蠻。覺得不可理喻。而其實那麼坦然。好遙遠。看過去，人小小的。風景則蕩氣迴腸。真好。
很好啊。但其實我心裡，仍然，只想你能，活著回來。
2010年1月13日 星期三
2010年1月12日 星期二
趁著還有溫度
想更改日程，卻連日期都擦去。想買頭飾，卻忘記自己剪了頭髮。如果遺忘是種輕省。結果錯漏百出。
想說實話，而忘了實話其實不夠動聽。不想讓步，又明明沒忘記付出代價。卻謊稱自己說謊了，又忘記說自己忘記了。而許多事情其實有還是沒有，結果都一樣一塌糊塗。
有人說：如果我是妳，我一定時時坦然，心裡平安。
不知道從甚麼時候開始，我不再羨慕其他人。因為我知道我不能只要他的手或他的腳。我只能要對方的全部。而全部那麼重。我連自己的殘缺都擔當不起，我怎麼妄想得到他人的完整。我不再羨慕他人。因為我知道，她要先很需要一個人、太需要一個人，然後給徹低背叛，才落得那麼瘦，我從背後看去的背影，腰身才那麼風情萬種；因為我知道，他先要自欺到卑劣的地步，才持有他的堡疊；因為我知道，他人必先撕掉自己百體中一的一體，才能擠進窄門。因為我知道只有地獄的人兒才配得完整。因為我知道天堂裡的畸人都知道生命其實有代價。
我腦裡常有這樣的景象，其實滿像《我曾侍候英國國王》的一幕。天堂就是戰後的游泳池。全是截肢盲眼一身疤痕的人。人滿為患。然而每個人，那麼的安樂。
有人勸我，何必苦惱。關上自己的那一扇窗，鎖上自己的門，妳會發覺，一切其實可以，那麼靜。
那麼靜，就像我得知伊力盧馬去世了。舉目都是人。但然而那麼靜。我很想把這個消息告訴一些甚麼人。但那麼靜。靜到我無法動搖。我竟然身處一個這樣的房間。甚麼都無從告訴的房間。一個伊力盧馬死去了也無法撼動那安靜的空間。也許這就是，我所得到的安靜。是我妄為當得的報應。
我記得，那時去看《Derek》。他說，他喜歡收集郵票、仙人掌和我的神。我聽後竟無法平靜。比起那花園、那藍和那病都更鮮明的烙印在我腦海裡。走出去，我還記得，天好黑，回家的路好遠。我把雙手插在袋子裡。而我身旁的人說：「那男人，干我甚麼事。」我那時想把一切一切都推開。
然而如果從來沒有窗，沒有門，也沒有所謂的空間。
然而如果，我能好好的，告訴他們。那些人，用他們很底層很底層的東西，撼動了我的很底層很底層的東西，力度那麼的猛。那地方那麼的深，深到那麼的黑之又黑。而那些人，故去了，他們無法，我也再無法。是否會不一樣。
今天我腦裡便迴響著paul auster那句：「以前如此，以後再也不會如此。」對，以前如此，以後再也不會如此。
以前如此，以後再也不會如此。
想說實話，而忘了實話其實不夠動聽。不想讓步，又明明沒忘記付出代價。卻謊稱自己說謊了，又忘記說自己忘記了。而許多事情其實有還是沒有，結果都一樣一塌糊塗。
有人說：如果我是妳，我一定時時坦然，心裡平安。
不知道從甚麼時候開始，我不再羨慕其他人。因為我知道我不能只要他的手或他的腳。我只能要對方的全部。而全部那麼重。我連自己的殘缺都擔當不起，我怎麼妄想得到他人的完整。我不再羨慕他人。因為我知道，她要先很需要一個人、太需要一個人，然後給徹低背叛，才落得那麼瘦，我從背後看去的背影，腰身才那麼風情萬種；因為我知道，他先要自欺到卑劣的地步，才持有他的堡疊；因為我知道，他人必先撕掉自己百體中一的一體，才能擠進窄門。因為我知道只有地獄的人兒才配得完整。因為我知道天堂裡的畸人都知道生命其實有代價。
我腦裡常有這樣的景象，其實滿像《我曾侍候英國國王》的一幕。天堂就是戰後的游泳池。全是截肢盲眼一身疤痕的人。人滿為患。然而每個人，那麼的安樂。
有人勸我，何必苦惱。關上自己的那一扇窗，鎖上自己的門，妳會發覺，一切其實可以，那麼靜。
那麼靜，就像我得知伊力盧馬去世了。舉目都是人。但然而那麼靜。我很想把這個消息告訴一些甚麼人。但那麼靜。靜到我無法動搖。我竟然身處一個這樣的房間。甚麼都無從告訴的房間。一個伊力盧馬死去了也無法撼動那安靜的空間。也許這就是，我所得到的安靜。是我妄為當得的報應。
我記得，那時去看《Derek》。他說，他喜歡收集郵票、仙人掌和我的神。我聽後竟無法平靜。比起那花園、那藍和那病都更鮮明的烙印在我腦海裡。走出去，我還記得，天好黑，回家的路好遠。我把雙手插在袋子裡。而我身旁的人說：「那男人，干我甚麼事。」我那時想把一切一切都推開。
然而如果從來沒有窗，沒有門，也沒有所謂的空間。
然而如果，我能好好的，告訴他們。那些人，用他們很底層很底層的東西，撼動了我的很底層很底層的東西，力度那麼的猛。那地方那麼的深，深到那麼的黑之又黑。而那些人，故去了，他們無法，我也再無法。是否會不一樣。
今天我腦裡便迴響著paul auster那句：「以前如此，以後再也不會如此。」對，以前如此，以後再也不會如此。
以前如此，以後再也不會如此。
2010年1月11日 星期一
讓禮物放下來
阿john送我《Fire Crackers》。因為知道我太喜歡舊海報、舊包裝紙、舊盒子、舊撲克。
呂生送我《香港地圖繪製史》。是在青山道買的舊書。因為知道我太喜歡舊地圖、舊書。
許多人不送書給我。因為怕我早已買了，又怕我不喜歡，又覺得我他們不送我自己也會買，又覺得買了也只會淪為千百本中的其中一本。事實是我的書並不那麼多，多到會那麼輕易重覆的地步。事實是即使重覆了的書我也不會捨得丟的。事實是每一本自己買抑或別人送的書我都會很珍惜很珍惜。事實是書幾乎是我的唯一。
另一份禮物，便是Richard G. Mitchell先生竟然覆了我的電郵。我告訴他我很喜歡cluedo內的音樂，不知道有沒有出過soundtrack。他說，那已是二十二年前作的曲子。那麼不被注意。他甚至沒放入自己網頁的簡介裡。他受寵若驚了。他要先找出不知還存不存在的原檔，才能把mp3寄給我。
晚上又收到重要的電郵。然後又再收到重要的電話。今天不知怎麼的，一直在等待的事情統統像約定了一般一起到達。而我圖書證的限額仍然擠湧。一切那麼好。天氣冷，抓緊衣領，像《孽子》的結尾，催自己繼續前進。一二一二一二一二。
呂生送我《香港地圖繪製史》。是在青山道買的舊書。因為知道我太喜歡舊地圖、舊書。
許多人不送書給我。因為怕我早已買了，又怕我不喜歡，又覺得我他們不送我自己也會買，又覺得買了也只會淪為千百本中的其中一本。事實是我的書並不那麼多，多到會那麼輕易重覆的地步。事實是即使重覆了的書我也不會捨得丟的。事實是每一本自己買抑或別人送的書我都會很珍惜很珍惜。事實是書幾乎是我的唯一。
另一份禮物，便是Richard G. Mitchell先生竟然覆了我的電郵。我告訴他我很喜歡cluedo內的音樂，不知道有沒有出過soundtrack。他說，那已是二十二年前作的曲子。那麼不被注意。他甚至沒放入自己網頁的簡介裡。他受寵若驚了。他要先找出不知還存不存在的原檔，才能把mp3寄給我。
晚上又收到重要的電郵。然後又再收到重要的電話。今天不知怎麼的，一直在等待的事情統統像約定了一般一起到達。而我圖書證的限額仍然擠湧。一切那麼好。天氣冷，抓緊衣領，像《孽子》的結尾，催自己繼續前進。一二一二一二一二。
2010年1月10日 星期日
2010年1月9日 星期六
謎底已經解開了
Cluedo是一九四三年在英國，由 Anthony E. Pratt發明的。名字由來拉丁文的"ludo"，是"I play"的意思，和具偵探意味的"clue"串連在一起，就成了我們現在的"cluedo"了。大家可以在腦裡想像這樣的圖畫：一班英國中產階級在火爐旁邊，拿著紙卡，競猜兇手，答案昭然若揭。大夥倒茶上洗手間進進出出。外裡的天色黑而又黑，沒有人可離開這大宅… 突然隔鄰的房間傳來一聲慘叫，有人死了！cluedo在我心目中就是這樣的遊戲。
cluedo在世界各地廣泛流傳，家傳戶曉。曾被多次改編成小說、兒童故事和電影。最著名的電影是1985年的《逐個捉》(Clue)。而1990年，英國開始了一連四季的遊戲節目，逢星期三晚播出，請來不少名人嘉賓，和家中坐在扶手椅的觀眾一起尋兇。著名嘉賓有在英國劇集飾華生的演員Edward Hardwicke、全國cluedo競賽冠軍、專業警察不等。
這個電視劇的cluedo共有六個角色、六個兇器、六個兇案現場。(中國版的cluedo有十個兇案現場。歐洲那邊普遍只是九個。)
六個角色分別為：
性感、放蕩而年輕貌美的紅小姐 (Miss Scarlett)
曾在戰場上出生入死的黄上校 (Colonel Mustard)
莊園主人，享富盛名的藍夫人 (Mrs. Peacock)
虔誠、沉靜、內向的綠神父 (Reverend Green)
忠心、在莊園服務已久的白太太 (Mrs. White)
多疑、神經質而聰明過人的梅教授 (Prof. Plum)
兇器每集不同。但主要都是匕首、槍、繩、紙鎮之類的東西。
兇案現場則是書房、圖書館、客廳、飯廳、桌球室和廚房。
和傳統的版圖遊戲不同，電視節目加入了故事情節，整個拍攝手法都流露出一種傳統英式的貴氣，場面設定是舊式英國大宅，這種莊園處處都有發生慘案的可能，有種基本的幽黑在裡頭。我想起本雅明說過：「資產階級家庭的室內陳設，那巨大的飾滿木雕的碗櫉，擺放著棕櫚樹的沒有陽光的角落，裝有鐵護欄的懸樓或凸肚窗，以及煤氣燈嘶嘶作響的長走廊，用來存放屍體再合適不過。」影片雖然為了特出線索，有時難免拍得露骨和滑稽，但這更突顯了片段的遊戲感。看的我非常高興。
音樂也用了一些傳統的古典室樂，配合得非常好。除此以外，遊戲節目的音樂很好聽，是Richard G. Mitchell作曲的。但他的官方網頁裡，沒有把這些作品包括在內。但粉絲網內的人已把音樂輯錄下來，雖然清不掉旁白的聲音和觀眾的掌聲。
競猜兇手的嘉賓更可以在觀賞線索片段之後盤問六個角色才提出猜測。演員會與嘉賓對坐。很有意思。只有兇手可說謊，而其餘無辜的五人則要說實話。有時嘉賓的問題出其不意，許是導演沒料到也沒事先討論過，演員的臨場反應很棒，令節目懸疑也不失幽默。
然後猜中之後，兇手更會在聚光燈下有一段自白。自白那段很考演技。演員更會說到哭和顫抖，很有真實感。
基本上大部份的演員都很棒。每季的第一集都會有點不習慣換人了。但很快便會覺得新的演員也有與別不同的演繹，而接受過來。紅小姐的演員季季美女。第二季的還有點像Nicole Kidman。(演員Koo Stark便是查理斯王子的前女友。)但第四季的品質普遍很糟糕。第四季的紅小姐魁梧得像頭熊。比藍夫人還要高。藍夫人毫不高貴，還有點瘋瘋顛顛。黃上校演技浮誇。白太太還是適合胖一點兒。第四季的白太太又瘦又愛嬉皮笑臉。而梅教授在第一季還是個美男子。到了第二季變成禿頭書呆子，第三季變成瞪眼瘋老頭，第四季慘變蓬髮髒大叔。真是令人難以接受。
兇器也隨著集數增加，為求新意而不停出現新品種﹐也變得越古怪。廁所繩、電話線、別針、毒蛇…變得層出不窮。
基本上首三季安排上沒有甚麼大分別。但第四季的廠景搭成了莊園模樣，更添神秘氣氛。只可惜演員壞了美好的背景。第四季更加了個環節，觀眾可選擇先知道答案，再看看他們如何鬥智鬥力。又或者在播出謎底時閉上眼睛，和嘉賓共同進退。
殺人的原因，幾乎佔八成都是害怕自己過往的罪行和醜聞被揭露。但每季都會有一集，有個發展商來想購莊園賺錢、建遊樂場、拆池塘、迫遷。角色為了保護家園而殺人。 第三季第三集有一段對白是這樣的：「進步? 你叫這種癌變是進步? 建造一些人們不需要的東西，這叫剝削。」「艾靈頓莊園所象徵的東西是不可代替的。我可放棄它。但我不容許有人在下一代遇上它之前破壞它。這是英國，樓宇上的紋飾，銀茶壺中的茶，晚餐前的櫻桃。我們都有些要求，需要持守。」實在聽得人心酸。
來者皆死，造訪的工人、記者、保險員、作家、修女，通通對莊園的安寧造成破壞。他們的世界只容得下六個人。沒有人可干擾他們間致命的平衡。他們是遊蕩者。是莊園內唯一的幽魂。死去的外來者，連靈魂也沒法留下。外來者是旁枝，確保莊園的新陳代謝，就像趾甲和頭髮。終究要剪去。兇手只是殺得比旁邊的人快。兇手只是剛好處於孤絶無人的場所，手邊有或尖或重的物事，並足夠的決心。他是其他角色的代表，去清除莊園內的雜質。承擔旁人的罪愆、分享他們的困憂。他們是一個不可分割的共同體。
六個角色在艾靈頓莊園裡，輪迴無數無數遍。每次兇案偵破，主持都說：「你們可以離開了，但兇手將要留下很久、很久、很久。」究竟很久是多久。是不是只比永遠少一點。有趣的是，你看著一樣的人，在一樣的地方，拿著相同的兇器，失去前生的所有記憶，重新燃起殺意，簡直是徹低的輪迴相聚，與其說被殺的人是不冥目的怨魂，不如說他們自己給縛在謀殺的漩渦中永不超生。
而我們玩家，猜對也好，落敗也好，我們的勝利與失敗也隨他們的命運一同結束。於是又是那句老話：我們重新開始，好不好?
瑪莉和麥斯之間的書箋
Dear Mr. M. Horowitz,
My name is Mary Daisy Dinkle and I am 8 years old, 3 months and 9 days. My favorite color is brown and my favorite food is sweet condensed milk followed closely by chocolate. I have a rooster called Ethel that looks like this. He doesn’t lay eggs but will one day. My mother likes smoking, cricket and sherry and my father likes playing in his shed with dead birds.
Where do babies come from in America? Do they come from cola cans? In Australia they are found in beer glasses. Here is a drawing of me. I can’t draw ears proper but I’m good at teeth.
It would be great if you could write back and be my friend.
Yours,
Sincerely, Mary Daisy Dinkle
PS. I hope you like the chocolate bar. I’m also sending. It’s called a Cherry Ripe.
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
Thank you for the letter, which I opened and read at 9:17 p.m. after my Overeaters Anonymous class. I am trying to lose weight because my psychiatrist, Dr Bernard Hazelhof says a healthy body equals a healthy mind. He says my mind is not that healthy. Your drawing is an interesting visual portrayal of yourself. I have never met anyone from Australia.
Firstly, I will answer your question. Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. I asked my mother when I was four and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. If you aren’t Jewish, they’re laid by Catholic nuns. If you’re an atheist, they’re laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes. So this is where babies come from in America.
I share my home with a fish, some snails, whom I have named after famous scientists…a parakeet called Mr. Biscuit and, finally, a cat called Hal. 'Hal' is an abbreviation for halitosis, from which he suffers. He followed me home after a gang of children shot his eye out with a beebee gun. Do you have a pet kangaroo?
When I was born, my father left my mother and me on a kibbutz. She shot herself with my uncle's gun when I was six.
Do you like chocolate hotdogs? I invented the recipe for them and can send it to you. When I was young, I invented an invisible friend called Mr. Ravioli. My psychiatrist says I don't need him anymore so he just sits in the corner and reads.
Last week I picked up 128 cigarette butts. People are always littering in New York. I do not understand why people break laws. Butts are bad because they wash out to sea and fish smoke them and become nicotine dependent. I am just joking because, of course, it is impossible for a cigarette to remain lit underwater. Also, fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in.
I am 44 years old and have 8 tracksuits the same color and size. I weigh 352 pounds…and am as tall as a 6-foot tree. I enjoy entering the lottery and have chosen the same numbers for 9 years. Those numbers are 3…5…6…9…11…and 12. I have had many different jobs during my life. My first job was collecting subway tokens in the subway. My second job was at Yiddel's Gourmet Kosher Supplies where I worked at the machine that made pre-packaged noodle kugels. I was born Jewish and used to believe in God but I've since read many books that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination. People like to believe in God because it answers complicated questions like where did the universe come from, do worms go to heaven.....and why do old ladies have blue hair? Even though I'm an atheist, I still wear my yarmulke as it keeps my brain warm. My third job was for a company that printed logos on novelty items. I worked at the frisbee printing machine. A frisbee is a circular plastic disc that people throw at each other. It is like a boomerang but it does not come back. My fourth job was when I was called up for jury duty. I didn't get paid much but got free cookies and coffee. Jurors are outstanding members of the community who haven't murdered anybody. I made it to the short list for a trial where a man killed all his friends at his own surprise birthday party. Unfortunately, I didn't get selected because they found out I'd been a mental patient at one point.
Have you ever been hang gliding? My fifth job was as a garbage collector. I got to clean up after litterbugs and didn't have to talk to anybody. Sometimes I used to pretend I was an intergalactical robot. One time the police took me in for questioning but let me go when they decided I wasn't a threat to anybody except myself. The sixth job I had was for the United States Army in the stationery supply department. Because I am good with numbers I had to work out how many ballpoint pens the Army needed. One day they did a security check and asked whether I was a member of any radical groups. I told them I was a member of the New York Science Fiction Fan Club. They said this didn't count but dismissed me anyway. Fortunately, I did not remember to tell them I was once a communist. Have you ever been a communist?
Have you ever been attacked by a crow or similar large bird? When I was 9, a crow attacked me on my way to school. I had to have three stitches and in spring I now wear a helmet with eyes I have painted on. People laugh at me when I wear my helmet. I'm not sure why. People often confuse me but I try not to let them worry me.
New York is a very busy and noisy place. I would prefer to live somewhere much quieter like the moon. I don't like crowds, bright lights, sudden noises or strong smells. New York has all these especially the smells. I often wear nose and ear plugs when I go outside. It helps keep me calm. I find humans interesting but I have trouble understanding them.
I think, however, I will understand and trust you. You appear very happy and I think you would smell like a shrimp as I know Australia has a lot of shrimps.
Can you speed-read? I have taught myself to read two pages at once - one eyeball per page.
I have to go now even though I have not told you about my 7th job, in a condom factory.
Write back soon. Your American friend,
Max Jerry Horowitz
PS. Please find enclosed a photo from one of those booths.
PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe and I am glad you like chocolate as much as I do. I have never eaten sweetened condensed milk but I will try some this week.
PPPS. I have never used a condom.
Dear Max,
I’m so excited you’ve wroted back. I don’t think my parents like you so from now on send stuff to my neighbor Len Hislop at 26 Lamington Drive, Mt Waverley. He’s old with no legs. They got chewed off in World War Ⅱ when some Japanese peoples kept him in a cage above piranhas. Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth. He’s scared of outside, which is a disease called homophobia. He’s started giving me 50 cents a week to get his mail. I’m saving to buy a castle in Scotland and marry a man called Earl Grey.
Do you get’s the Noblets’ in America? Well, my favorite Noblet is Vanity Noblet. He wants to be everyone’s friend, even the boys’! In your letter, you said you had no friends. Well, neither do I. yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford weed on my spam sandwich and called me poo face cause of my birthmark. I wish I could peel it off like a bandaid. He also laughed cause I had no buttons. Ethel pecked them off and mum couldn’t thread a needle cause she’d been testing the sherry, so she used pegs instead. When I got home, I climbed into my secret place till dinner time.
The other kids also laugh at my haircut. Dad has to cut my hair because mum says real hairdressers sell your hair to Chinamen who stuff mattresses. My teacher, Mrs. Pendergast, says I should smile more. I told my mum and so she drawed a big smile on me. I don’t think Mrs. Pendergast likes me anymore.
I better go now. My tears are smudgling my words.
Your friend in Australia,
Mary Daisy Dinkle.
PS. Have you ever been teased? Can you help me?
PSS. I’ve never been hang gliding before or been a communist but would love a frisbee and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.
PSSS. I’m sending you some Australian chocolate, a pompom I made and a cake called a lamington, which I was meant to eat for lunch.
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
Thank you for your letter, chocolate bar, lamington and pompom. The chocolate got crushed, so I blended the bits with milk and ice-cream and now I am drinking it right now.
After much thought, I think I have a solution to your teasing. Tell Bernie Clifford your birthmark is made of chocolate, which means when you get to the heaven you will be in charge of all the chocolate. This of course is a lie. I do not like lies but in this case I think it will be of benefit. I wish I could be in charge of all the chocolate, but, of course, I cannot because of my atheism.
My neighbor Ivy is also an atheist. She doesn’t talk much but makes me very good soup on Sunday nights. She is partly blind and sometimes I find her hair in my soup. I do not tell her as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says this would be impolite.
Here is a list of what I eat on the other nights. Mondays- Glicks Potato Knish, Tuesdays- Yiddels Noodle Kugel, Wednesdays- Captain Salty’s Fishstix, Thursdays- Yentls Cheezy Blintz and Fridays- chicken nuggets. On Saturday nights I create my own recipes. Last week I invented canned spaghetti hamburgers. Recipes are like mathematical equations. Dr. Bernard Hazelhof told me you should never weigh more than your refrigerator and to never eat anything bigger than your head. I once ate a watermelon bigger than my head but not all at once. Do you have any weight loss suggestions? My Overeaters Anonymous meetings don’t seem to be working and just make me tense.
It would be good if there was a Fat Fairy. She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy but would suck out your fat.
Ivy says she is only a ‘little bit’ blind but I think she is very blind. She should get a cane like other vision-impaired people. She could make the end pointy and collect rubbish at the same time. I think I will write a letter to the Mayor and suggest this. He will be very impressed. Ivy says she doesn’t need a cane because she has a good sense of smell. She says she could find me with her eyes stapled shut. She says I smell like liquorice and old books. I think she smells like cough medicine and urine. I have never told her this as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said this would also be impolite.
People often think I am tactless and rude. I cannot understand how being honest can be… improper. Maybe this is why I don’t have any friends of course except for you. A real friend has been one of my three goals in life. The other two are to own every Noblet and a lifetime supply of chocolate. Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says it is good to have goals but not stupid ones like mine.
I have now run out of things to tell you.
Please, write soon.
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. Do not worry about not smiling. My mouth hardly ever smiles but it does not mean I am not smiling inside my brain.
PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee, some chocolate pop rocks, which you should eat with cola, and an illustration of a turtle from one of my National Geographics.
PPPS. Did you know that turtles can breathe through their anuses?
Dear Max,
When I told Bernie Clifford I’ll be in charge of all the chocolate in heaven and he wouldn’t get any, he cried. I also hided some dog’s poo in his bit of the sandpit.
Your advice was great and I’ve got a job delivering pamphlets so I can save to come and see you.
I am sad to hear you are fat. Mum says I am fat too and I’m growing up to be a heifer, which I think is a type of cow. Maybe you should only eat things beginning with the letter of each day. On Mondays you could only eat milkshakes, marshmallows and…mustard. For my birthday, my mum baked a cake and dad gave me a camera. I hope you like the photos I sent. The first one is of Ethel, who ate some tinsel. The next one is one of myself after ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks with the cola, like you said. Next is Len. He’s still trying hard not to be afraid of outside and conquer his homophobia. The next one is of dad in his shed, and then one of the times I covered mum while she was asleep in her stickers that help her stop smoking. Next, when I got my slinky caught in my hair. Then one of the times Sonny digged up his wife, Cher. And, finally, a photo of my other neighbor Damian Popodopolous. He’s a Greek and smells like lemon dishwashing liquid and his skin is smooth, like the back of a spoon. Mum says he’s a wog and has a stutter and can’t even say his own surname. She says you have to hit him on the back of the head to get his words out.
I wish he was my boyfriend and we can be in love and do sexing like Katherine Ramsay told me behind the bike shed. She said it’s when two people go nuddy and rub on each other to make babies. I told her she’s a liar and would go to hell and burn like toast cause babies really come from beer glasses and eggs laid by rabbits and nuns and prosti-tubes. She said ladies get knocked up and bake babies in their stomachs for 2 years till they spurt out their vag-eye-ners with blood and tinned spaghetti.
Have you got a girlfriend, Max, or some wives? Have you done sexing? Valentine’s Day is soon and I want to give Damian a present so he can love me. Can you explain love and how I can be loved?
…
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
There is something I have to tell you which will explain why I have not written. Each time I received one of your letters, I had a serve anxiety attack. This is because recently, while I was in a mental institution, they diagnosed that I have a new thing called Asperger’s syndrome, which is a neurobiological, pervasive, developmental disability. I prefer ‘Aspie’ for short. I will now list some of the traits of an Aspie. No.1- I find the world very confusing and chaotic because my mind is very literal and logical. 2- I have trouble understanding the expressions on people’s faces. When I was younger, I made a book to help me when I was confused. I still have trouble with some people. Ivy was hard to understand because of her wrinkles and because her eyebrows weren’t real. 3- I have bad handwriting, and hypersensitive…clumsy and can get very concerned. 4- I like solving problems. Ivy said this is a good thing. And finally No. 5- I have trouble expressing my emotions.
Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says my brain is defective but one day there will be a cure for my disability. I do not like it when he says this. I do not feel disabled, defective or I need to be cured. I like being an Aspie. It would be like trying to change the color of my eyes. There is one thing I wish I could change, however. I wish I could cry properly. I squeeze and squeeze but nothing…comes out. I cry when I cut onions but this does not count.
Anyway, do you like the word ‘cumquat’? it is a type of fruit. Do you have a favorite sounding word? My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee, Vladivostok, banana and testicle. I have also invented some new words- ‘confuzzled’, which is being confused and puzzled at the same time, ‘snirt’, which is a cross between snow and dirt and ‘smushables’… which are squashed groceries you find at the bottom of the bag. I have sent a letter to the Oxford Dictionary people asking them to in clued my words but I have not heard back.
It is now time for me to go to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting. There is a woman there called Marjorie Buttersworth who confuzzled me. She kisses me without my permission so tonight I have decided to rub onions under my armpits to repel her.
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. Please find enclosed some chocolate-covered ants I found at the deli.
PPS. Not much has happened since I last wrote except for my manslaughter charges, lotto win and Ivy’s death.
Dear Max,
I have been such a idiot. I’ve wasted all my money on something pointless when I should have been saving to see you. I know love upsets you so I won’t go on about it. All I want to say is that love is obviously not for me. I hope you are well and enjoy the chocolate cigarettes I’ve enclosed.
Love Mary.
Dear Max,
Our wedding day was everything I have ever dreamt, making up for the terrible year I’ve had. Although all the guests were Damian’s family and friends, I felt very welcome.
Damian is so perfect. He even made my wedding dress. And for our honeymoon he took me to Mykonos his favorite island in Greece. I got to ride a donkey and found the perfect gift for Len. Poor Len, he’s still struggling with his agoraphobia. Damian and I are so similar. He even has his own pen-friend, who lives on a sheep farm in New Zealand.
Dear Max,
I am very proud to give you the very first copy of my book about your disability and the hopes that we have to one day cure it. Even more exciting is that I am finally coming to meet and celebrate with you in one week’s time. I’m also going to give you half the royalties.
Your loving friend,
Mary.
PS. Please find enclosed some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds.
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
I cannot express myself very clearly at this moment and so I will list my emotions in the order they feel most intense- hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal, discomfort, distress and wheeziness. This last one is not real an emotion but I thought you should know about it anyway.
Dear Mary,
Please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection as a sign that I forgive you. When I received your book, the emotions inside my brain felt like they were in a trumble dryer, smashing into each other. The hurt felt like when i accidentally stapled my lips together, the reason I forgive you is because you are not perfect. You are imperfect, and so am I. All humans are imperfect, even the man outside my apartment who litters. When I was young, I wanted to be anybody but myself. Dr Bernard Hazelhof said I was on a desert island then I would have to get used to my own company, just me and the coconuts. He said I would have to accept myself, my warts and all, and that we don't get to choose our warts. They are a part of us and we have to live with them, we can, however, choose our friends and I am glad I have chosen you. Dr Bernard also said, that everyone's lives are like a very long sidewalk.
Some are well paved, others, like mine, have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts. Your sidewalk is like mine but probably not as many cracks. Hopefully, one day our sidewalks will meet and we can share a can of condensed milk. You are my best friend. You are my only friend.
Your American penpal,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. I have recently found the perfect job with a survey company. All I have to do is eat things and tick boxes.
My name is Mary Daisy Dinkle and I am 8 years old, 3 months and 9 days. My favorite color is brown and my favorite food is sweet condensed milk followed closely by chocolate. I have a rooster called Ethel that looks like this. He doesn’t lay eggs but will one day. My mother likes smoking, cricket and sherry and my father likes playing in his shed with dead birds.
Where do babies come from in America? Do they come from cola cans? In Australia they are found in beer glasses. Here is a drawing of me. I can’t draw ears proper but I’m good at teeth.
It would be great if you could write back and be my friend.
Yours,
Sincerely, Mary Daisy Dinkle
PS. I hope you like the chocolate bar. I’m also sending. It’s called a Cherry Ripe.
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
Thank you for the letter, which I opened and read at 9:17 p.m. after my Overeaters Anonymous class. I am trying to lose weight because my psychiatrist, Dr Bernard Hazelhof says a healthy body equals a healthy mind. He says my mind is not that healthy. Your drawing is an interesting visual portrayal of yourself. I have never met anyone from Australia.
Firstly, I will answer your question. Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. I asked my mother when I was four and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. If you aren’t Jewish, they’re laid by Catholic nuns. If you’re an atheist, they’re laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes. So this is where babies come from in America.
I share my home with a fish, some snails, whom I have named after famous scientists…a parakeet called Mr. Biscuit and, finally, a cat called Hal. 'Hal' is an abbreviation for halitosis, from which he suffers. He followed me home after a gang of children shot his eye out with a beebee gun. Do you have a pet kangaroo?
When I was born, my father left my mother and me on a kibbutz. She shot herself with my uncle's gun when I was six.
Do you like chocolate hotdogs? I invented the recipe for them and can send it to you. When I was young, I invented an invisible friend called Mr. Ravioli. My psychiatrist says I don't need him anymore so he just sits in the corner and reads.
Last week I picked up 128 cigarette butts. People are always littering in New York. I do not understand why people break laws. Butts are bad because they wash out to sea and fish smoke them and become nicotine dependent. I am just joking because, of course, it is impossible for a cigarette to remain lit underwater. Also, fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in.
I am 44 years old and have 8 tracksuits the same color and size. I weigh 352 pounds…and am as tall as a 6-foot tree. I enjoy entering the lottery and have chosen the same numbers for 9 years. Those numbers are 3…5…6…9…11…and 12. I have had many different jobs during my life. My first job was collecting subway tokens in the subway. My second job was at Yiddel's Gourmet Kosher Supplies where I worked at the machine that made pre-packaged noodle kugels. I was born Jewish and used to believe in God but I've since read many books that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination. People like to believe in God because it answers complicated questions like where did the universe come from, do worms go to heaven.....and why do old ladies have blue hair? Even though I'm an atheist, I still wear my yarmulke as it keeps my brain warm. My third job was for a company that printed logos on novelty items. I worked at the frisbee printing machine. A frisbee is a circular plastic disc that people throw at each other. It is like a boomerang but it does not come back. My fourth job was when I was called up for jury duty. I didn't get paid much but got free cookies and coffee. Jurors are outstanding members of the community who haven't murdered anybody. I made it to the short list for a trial where a man killed all his friends at his own surprise birthday party. Unfortunately, I didn't get selected because they found out I'd been a mental patient at one point.
Have you ever been hang gliding? My fifth job was as a garbage collector. I got to clean up after litterbugs and didn't have to talk to anybody. Sometimes I used to pretend I was an intergalactical robot. One time the police took me in for questioning but let me go when they decided I wasn't a threat to anybody except myself. The sixth job I had was for the United States Army in the stationery supply department. Because I am good with numbers I had to work out how many ballpoint pens the Army needed. One day they did a security check and asked whether I was a member of any radical groups. I told them I was a member of the New York Science Fiction Fan Club. They said this didn't count but dismissed me anyway. Fortunately, I did not remember to tell them I was once a communist. Have you ever been a communist?
Have you ever been attacked by a crow or similar large bird? When I was 9, a crow attacked me on my way to school. I had to have three stitches and in spring I now wear a helmet with eyes I have painted on. People laugh at me when I wear my helmet. I'm not sure why. People often confuse me but I try not to let them worry me.
New York is a very busy and noisy place. I would prefer to live somewhere much quieter like the moon. I don't like crowds, bright lights, sudden noises or strong smells. New York has all these especially the smells. I often wear nose and ear plugs when I go outside. It helps keep me calm. I find humans interesting but I have trouble understanding them.
I think, however, I will understand and trust you. You appear very happy and I think you would smell like a shrimp as I know Australia has a lot of shrimps.
Can you speed-read? I have taught myself to read two pages at once - one eyeball per page.
I have to go now even though I have not told you about my 7th job, in a condom factory.
Write back soon. Your American friend,
Max Jerry Horowitz
PS. Please find enclosed a photo from one of those booths.
PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe and I am glad you like chocolate as much as I do. I have never eaten sweetened condensed milk but I will try some this week.
PPPS. I have never used a condom.
Dear Max,
I’m so excited you’ve wroted back. I don’t think my parents like you so from now on send stuff to my neighbor Len Hislop at 26 Lamington Drive, Mt Waverley. He’s old with no legs. They got chewed off in World War Ⅱ when some Japanese peoples kept him in a cage above piranhas. Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth. He’s scared of outside, which is a disease called homophobia. He’s started giving me 50 cents a week to get his mail. I’m saving to buy a castle in Scotland and marry a man called Earl Grey.
Do you get’s the Noblets’ in America? Well, my favorite Noblet is Vanity Noblet. He wants to be everyone’s friend, even the boys’! In your letter, you said you had no friends. Well, neither do I. yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford weed on my spam sandwich and called me poo face cause of my birthmark. I wish I could peel it off like a bandaid. He also laughed cause I had no buttons. Ethel pecked them off and mum couldn’t thread a needle cause she’d been testing the sherry, so she used pegs instead. When I got home, I climbed into my secret place till dinner time.
The other kids also laugh at my haircut. Dad has to cut my hair because mum says real hairdressers sell your hair to Chinamen who stuff mattresses. My teacher, Mrs. Pendergast, says I should smile more. I told my mum and so she drawed a big smile on me. I don’t think Mrs. Pendergast likes me anymore.
I better go now. My tears are smudgling my words.
Your friend in Australia,
Mary Daisy Dinkle.
PS. Have you ever been teased? Can you help me?
PSS. I’ve never been hang gliding before or been a communist but would love a frisbee and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.
PSSS. I’m sending you some Australian chocolate, a pompom I made and a cake called a lamington, which I was meant to eat for lunch.
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
Thank you for your letter, chocolate bar, lamington and pompom. The chocolate got crushed, so I blended the bits with milk and ice-cream and now I am drinking it right now.
After much thought, I think I have a solution to your teasing. Tell Bernie Clifford your birthmark is made of chocolate, which means when you get to the heaven you will be in charge of all the chocolate. This of course is a lie. I do not like lies but in this case I think it will be of benefit. I wish I could be in charge of all the chocolate, but, of course, I cannot because of my atheism.
My neighbor Ivy is also an atheist. She doesn’t talk much but makes me very good soup on Sunday nights. She is partly blind and sometimes I find her hair in my soup. I do not tell her as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says this would be impolite.
Here is a list of what I eat on the other nights. Mondays- Glicks Potato Knish, Tuesdays- Yiddels Noodle Kugel, Wednesdays- Captain Salty’s Fishstix, Thursdays- Yentls Cheezy Blintz and Fridays- chicken nuggets. On Saturday nights I create my own recipes. Last week I invented canned spaghetti hamburgers. Recipes are like mathematical equations. Dr. Bernard Hazelhof told me you should never weigh more than your refrigerator and to never eat anything bigger than your head. I once ate a watermelon bigger than my head but not all at once. Do you have any weight loss suggestions? My Overeaters Anonymous meetings don’t seem to be working and just make me tense.
It would be good if there was a Fat Fairy. She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy but would suck out your fat.
Ivy says she is only a ‘little bit’ blind but I think she is very blind. She should get a cane like other vision-impaired people. She could make the end pointy and collect rubbish at the same time. I think I will write a letter to the Mayor and suggest this. He will be very impressed. Ivy says she doesn’t need a cane because she has a good sense of smell. She says she could find me with her eyes stapled shut. She says I smell like liquorice and old books. I think she smells like cough medicine and urine. I have never told her this as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said this would also be impolite.
People often think I am tactless and rude. I cannot understand how being honest can be… improper. Maybe this is why I don’t have any friends of course except for you. A real friend has been one of my three goals in life. The other two are to own every Noblet and a lifetime supply of chocolate. Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says it is good to have goals but not stupid ones like mine.
I have now run out of things to tell you.
Please, write soon.
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. Do not worry about not smiling. My mouth hardly ever smiles but it does not mean I am not smiling inside my brain.
PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee, some chocolate pop rocks, which you should eat with cola, and an illustration of a turtle from one of my National Geographics.
PPPS. Did you know that turtles can breathe through their anuses?
Dear Max,
When I told Bernie Clifford I’ll be in charge of all the chocolate in heaven and he wouldn’t get any, he cried. I also hided some dog’s poo in his bit of the sandpit.
Your advice was great and I’ve got a job delivering pamphlets so I can save to come and see you.
I am sad to hear you are fat. Mum says I am fat too and I’m growing up to be a heifer, which I think is a type of cow. Maybe you should only eat things beginning with the letter of each day. On Mondays you could only eat milkshakes, marshmallows and…mustard. For my birthday, my mum baked a cake and dad gave me a camera. I hope you like the photos I sent. The first one is of Ethel, who ate some tinsel. The next one is one of myself after ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks with the cola, like you said. Next is Len. He’s still trying hard not to be afraid of outside and conquer his homophobia. The next one is of dad in his shed, and then one of the times I covered mum while she was asleep in her stickers that help her stop smoking. Next, when I got my slinky caught in my hair. Then one of the times Sonny digged up his wife, Cher. And, finally, a photo of my other neighbor Damian Popodopolous. He’s a Greek and smells like lemon dishwashing liquid and his skin is smooth, like the back of a spoon. Mum says he’s a wog and has a stutter and can’t even say his own surname. She says you have to hit him on the back of the head to get his words out.
I wish he was my boyfriend and we can be in love and do sexing like Katherine Ramsay told me behind the bike shed. She said it’s when two people go nuddy and rub on each other to make babies. I told her she’s a liar and would go to hell and burn like toast cause babies really come from beer glasses and eggs laid by rabbits and nuns and prosti-tubes. She said ladies get knocked up and bake babies in their stomachs for 2 years till they spurt out their vag-eye-ners with blood and tinned spaghetti.
Have you got a girlfriend, Max, or some wives? Have you done sexing? Valentine’s Day is soon and I want to give Damian a present so he can love me. Can you explain love and how I can be loved?
…
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
There is something I have to tell you which will explain why I have not written. Each time I received one of your letters, I had a serve anxiety attack. This is because recently, while I was in a mental institution, they diagnosed that I have a new thing called Asperger’s syndrome, which is a neurobiological, pervasive, developmental disability. I prefer ‘Aspie’ for short. I will now list some of the traits of an Aspie. No.1- I find the world very confusing and chaotic because my mind is very literal and logical. 2- I have trouble understanding the expressions on people’s faces. When I was younger, I made a book to help me when I was confused. I still have trouble with some people. Ivy was hard to understand because of her wrinkles and because her eyebrows weren’t real. 3- I have bad handwriting, and hypersensitive…clumsy and can get very concerned. 4- I like solving problems. Ivy said this is a good thing. And finally No. 5- I have trouble expressing my emotions.
Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says my brain is defective but one day there will be a cure for my disability. I do not like it when he says this. I do not feel disabled, defective or I need to be cured. I like being an Aspie. It would be like trying to change the color of my eyes. There is one thing I wish I could change, however. I wish I could cry properly. I squeeze and squeeze but nothing…comes out. I cry when I cut onions but this does not count.
Anyway, do you like the word ‘cumquat’? it is a type of fruit. Do you have a favorite sounding word? My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee, Vladivostok, banana and testicle. I have also invented some new words- ‘confuzzled’, which is being confused and puzzled at the same time, ‘snirt’, which is a cross between snow and dirt and ‘smushables’… which are squashed groceries you find at the bottom of the bag. I have sent a letter to the Oxford Dictionary people asking them to in clued my words but I have not heard back.
It is now time for me to go to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting. There is a woman there called Marjorie Buttersworth who confuzzled me. She kisses me without my permission so tonight I have decided to rub onions under my armpits to repel her.
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. Please find enclosed some chocolate-covered ants I found at the deli.
PPS. Not much has happened since I last wrote except for my manslaughter charges, lotto win and Ivy’s death.
Dear Max,
I have been such a idiot. I’ve wasted all my money on something pointless when I should have been saving to see you. I know love upsets you so I won’t go on about it. All I want to say is that love is obviously not for me. I hope you are well and enjoy the chocolate cigarettes I’ve enclosed.
Love Mary.
Dear Max,
Our wedding day was everything I have ever dreamt, making up for the terrible year I’ve had. Although all the guests were Damian’s family and friends, I felt very welcome.
Damian is so perfect. He even made my wedding dress. And for our honeymoon he took me to Mykonos his favorite island in Greece. I got to ride a donkey and found the perfect gift for Len. Poor Len, he’s still struggling with his agoraphobia. Damian and I are so similar. He even has his own pen-friend, who lives on a sheep farm in New Zealand.
Dear Max,
I am very proud to give you the very first copy of my book about your disability and the hopes that we have to one day cure it. Even more exciting is that I am finally coming to meet and celebrate with you in one week’s time. I’m also going to give you half the royalties.
Your loving friend,
Mary.
PS. Please find enclosed some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds.
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
I cannot express myself very clearly at this moment and so I will list my emotions in the order they feel most intense- hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal, discomfort, distress and wheeziness. This last one is not real an emotion but I thought you should know about it anyway.
Dear Mary,
Please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection as a sign that I forgive you. When I received your book, the emotions inside my brain felt like they were in a trumble dryer, smashing into each other. The hurt felt like when i accidentally stapled my lips together, the reason I forgive you is because you are not perfect. You are imperfect, and so am I. All humans are imperfect, even the man outside my apartment who litters. When I was young, I wanted to be anybody but myself. Dr Bernard Hazelhof said I was on a desert island then I would have to get used to my own company, just me and the coconuts. He said I would have to accept myself, my warts and all, and that we don't get to choose our warts. They are a part of us and we have to live with them, we can, however, choose our friends and I am glad I have chosen you. Dr Bernard also said, that everyone's lives are like a very long sidewalk.
Some are well paved, others, like mine, have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts. Your sidewalk is like mine but probably not as many cracks. Hopefully, one day our sidewalks will meet and we can share a can of condensed milk. You are my best friend. You are my only friend.
Your American penpal,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. I have recently found the perfect job with a survey company. All I have to do is eat things and tick boxes.
此 曾 在
曾經我們都在。
曾經在車尾廂發現自己的墓碑。
曾經把搖頭丸當亞士匹靈。
曾經在廚櫃發現中國娃娃。
曾經結七次婚。
曾經在機場的儲物室造愛。
曾經在停屍間吸毒。
曾經被雷電擊中。
曾經一起看《宇宙靜悄悄》。
曾經把倒後鏡中死去的哥哥甩掉。
曾經在巴士站遇見死去的父親。
曾經在下雨時被告訴甚麼都不緊要。
曾經很滿足很滿足。
曾經舉辦展覽。
曾經在辦公室工作。
曾經聽俄羅斯人禱告。
曾經在觀眾席上給羞辱。
曾經在電影的中途離開。
曾經在電影的中途回來。
曾經刷好牙才上床。
曾經與妓女午餐。
曾經用刀子把自己的紋身割掉。
曾經渴望自己的弟弟。
曾經被捕。
曾經覺得生命是地獄。
曾經在林中射殺自己生命裡的男人。
曾經被雀鳥侵犯。
曾經以西班牙的島嶼吻妳。
曾經向自己的恐懼迎面撲去。
曾經夢見死神。
曾經在印度餐廳的樓上消磨光陰。
曾經學會不再求問生命裡的不可知。
曾經被毆打。
曾經被愛護。
曾經撞車而倖存於此。
曾經與同性戀的男人上床。
曾經被看進眼眸深處﹐說:「妳可以。」
曾經覺得所有宇宙的粒子都在召喚你。
曾經在伊拉克給炸掉一只手﹐兩條腿。
曾經渴望而得不著。
曾經墮胎。
曾經因為不忠而擁有最美好的禮物。
曾經在性愛派對全身而退。
曾經因為拍照而被掌摑。
曾經停止喫藥。
曾經為了生命的神奇而落淚。
曾經與哥哥的情人一起尋找斷了的腳。
曾經擔心自己不夠好。
曾經用一生的時間擔心自己不夠好。
曾經昏迷。
曾經為了尊嚴而做出愚蠢的事。
曾經覺得妳神秘﹐而且迷人。
曾經在越戰的前夕瘋狂造愛。
曾經我覺得但凡失去也是美。
曾經成為別人的助手。
曾經以為學習是一種救贖。
曾經想擁有屬於自己的孩子。
曾經你和我是那麼好。
曾經被蜜蜂啃咬。
曾經被船漿搞爛唯一的身軀。
曾經快樂得像七歲的孩子。
曾經為陌生人挑選喪服。
曾經好好學習呼吸好去插最美麗的花。
曾經洞察妳和我一樣是寂寞到出了毛病。
曾經痛恨自己的父母。
曾經以為別人的自傳是為自己一個而寫的。
曾經在醫院等待天明。
曾經妒忌妳在舞台上耀目的喝采。
曾經向死人尋問。
曾經在夜裡不成眠的禱告。
曾經為將行之人錄一張唱片。
曾經一邊駕駛﹐一邊痛哭。
曾經回頭告訴妳:「我會飛。」
曾經盡了最大的努力去完成拼字遊戲。
曾經把一樣顏色的內衣褲﹐全部摺好。
曾經收到糞便郵件。
曾經接受電療。
曾經在百貨公司高買。
曾經一邊編織衣裳一邊計劃著離開一個人。
曾經我以為健康的食物能拯救世界。
曾經殺掉一條蛇。
曾經餵女人喫玻璃。
曾經親手埋葬妳。
曾經被自己的車輾過。
曾經以為幻燈是星星。
曾經在洗手間被一個理髮師壓倒。
曾經聽到母親的叫床聲。
曾經我相信我們有一天能夠好好在一起。
曾經他無法戒煙。
曾經在教會宣告自己是同性戀。
曾經想忘掉自己是自己。
曾經陽光明媚。
曾經原諒妳的過失。
曾經醒來在自己的髮間找到葉子。
曾經因為你很悶而幹掉你。
曾經為了地下室湧出鮮血而不知所措。
曾經覺得這一切都值回票價。
曾經我覺得世上只有一個人真心愛我。
曾經因你的遠離而引以自豪。
曾經到動物園看長頸鹿的近親。
曾經在你病發的時候在你耳邊說話。
曾經拼出沒有人懂的生字。
曾經想成為一位律師。
曾經在車廂中給吮腳趾。
曾經在面試時泣不成聲。
曾經願意跟黑幫浪跡天涯。
曾經答應每天都去探望你。
曾經為兒子的第一個女人唱頌歌。
曾經放火。
曾經久別。
曾經重逢。
曾經答應為你拍裸照。
曾經打破別人的杯子。
曾經我相信妳拯救了我的人生﹐現在亦然。
曾經我央求你去過自己的人生。
曾經我答應妳如果有戰爭﹐我會去加拿大。
曾經一起買古董傢俬。
曾經我覺得我今生今世沒法再擁抱你。
曾經在那黑而又黑的地方只有我一人。
曾經每個人都在等待。
曾經我們都在。在我們兩眼昏花濛白﹐感情磨蝕遠逝﹐心臟勞累乏力之前﹐我們不但曾經學會過吸氣﹐也曾學會過呼氣﹐學會過堅持﹐也學會過放開。我們不能只學一種﹐否則無法存活。所以我們學會了生﹐也就會學習死。
正如有了你﹐也就有了我。曾經曾經﹐這一切﹐和我們﹐統統都在。
曾經在車尾廂發現自己的墓碑。
曾經把搖頭丸當亞士匹靈。
曾經在廚櫃發現中國娃娃。
曾經結七次婚。
曾經在機場的儲物室造愛。
曾經在停屍間吸毒。
曾經被雷電擊中。
曾經一起看《宇宙靜悄悄》。
曾經把倒後鏡中死去的哥哥甩掉。
曾經在巴士站遇見死去的父親。
曾經在下雨時被告訴甚麼都不緊要。
曾經很滿足很滿足。
曾經舉辦展覽。
曾經在辦公室工作。
曾經聽俄羅斯人禱告。
曾經在觀眾席上給羞辱。
曾經在電影的中途離開。
曾經在電影的中途回來。
曾經刷好牙才上床。
曾經與妓女午餐。
曾經用刀子把自己的紋身割掉。
曾經渴望自己的弟弟。
曾經被捕。
曾經覺得生命是地獄。
曾經在林中射殺自己生命裡的男人。
曾經被雀鳥侵犯。
曾經以西班牙的島嶼吻妳。
曾經向自己的恐懼迎面撲去。
曾經夢見死神。
曾經在印度餐廳的樓上消磨光陰。
曾經學會不再求問生命裡的不可知。
曾經被毆打。
曾經被愛護。
曾經撞車而倖存於此。
曾經與同性戀的男人上床。
曾經被看進眼眸深處﹐說:「妳可以。」
曾經覺得所有宇宙的粒子都在召喚你。
曾經在伊拉克給炸掉一只手﹐兩條腿。
曾經渴望而得不著。
曾經墮胎。
曾經因為不忠而擁有最美好的禮物。
曾經在性愛派對全身而退。
曾經因為拍照而被掌摑。
曾經停止喫藥。
曾經為了生命的神奇而落淚。
曾經與哥哥的情人一起尋找斷了的腳。
曾經擔心自己不夠好。
曾經用一生的時間擔心自己不夠好。
曾經昏迷。
曾經為了尊嚴而做出愚蠢的事。
曾經覺得妳神秘﹐而且迷人。
曾經在越戰的前夕瘋狂造愛。
曾經我覺得但凡失去也是美。
曾經成為別人的助手。
曾經以為學習是一種救贖。
曾經想擁有屬於自己的孩子。
曾經你和我是那麼好。
曾經被蜜蜂啃咬。
曾經被船漿搞爛唯一的身軀。
曾經快樂得像七歲的孩子。
曾經為陌生人挑選喪服。
曾經好好學習呼吸好去插最美麗的花。
曾經洞察妳和我一樣是寂寞到出了毛病。
曾經痛恨自己的父母。
曾經以為別人的自傳是為自己一個而寫的。
曾經在醫院等待天明。
曾經妒忌妳在舞台上耀目的喝采。
曾經向死人尋問。
曾經在夜裡不成眠的禱告。
曾經為將行之人錄一張唱片。
曾經一邊駕駛﹐一邊痛哭。
曾經回頭告訴妳:「我會飛。」
曾經盡了最大的努力去完成拼字遊戲。
曾經把一樣顏色的內衣褲﹐全部摺好。
曾經收到糞便郵件。
曾經接受電療。
曾經在百貨公司高買。
曾經一邊編織衣裳一邊計劃著離開一個人。
曾經我以為健康的食物能拯救世界。
曾經殺掉一條蛇。
曾經餵女人喫玻璃。
曾經親手埋葬妳。
曾經被自己的車輾過。
曾經以為幻燈是星星。
曾經在洗手間被一個理髮師壓倒。
曾經聽到母親的叫床聲。
曾經我相信我們有一天能夠好好在一起。
曾經他無法戒煙。
曾經在教會宣告自己是同性戀。
曾經想忘掉自己是自己。
曾經陽光明媚。
曾經原諒妳的過失。
曾經醒來在自己的髮間找到葉子。
曾經因為你很悶而幹掉你。
曾經為了地下室湧出鮮血而不知所措。
曾經覺得這一切都值回票價。
曾經我覺得世上只有一個人真心愛我。
曾經因你的遠離而引以自豪。
曾經到動物園看長頸鹿的近親。
曾經在你病發的時候在你耳邊說話。
曾經拼出沒有人懂的生字。
曾經想成為一位律師。
曾經在車廂中給吮腳趾。
曾經在面試時泣不成聲。
曾經願意跟黑幫浪跡天涯。
曾經答應每天都去探望你。
曾經為兒子的第一個女人唱頌歌。
曾經放火。
曾經久別。
曾經重逢。
曾經答應為你拍裸照。
曾經打破別人的杯子。
曾經我相信妳拯救了我的人生﹐現在亦然。
曾經我央求你去過自己的人生。
曾經我答應妳如果有戰爭﹐我會去加拿大。
曾經一起買古董傢俬。
曾經我覺得我今生今世沒法再擁抱你。
曾經在那黑而又黑的地方只有我一人。
曾經每個人都在等待。
曾經我們都在。在我們兩眼昏花濛白﹐感情磨蝕遠逝﹐心臟勞累乏力之前﹐我們不但曾經學會過吸氣﹐也曾學會過呼氣﹐學會過堅持﹐也學會過放開。我們不能只學一種﹐否則無法存活。所以我們學會了生﹐也就會學習死。
正如有了你﹐也就有了我。曾經曾經﹐這一切﹐和我們﹐統統都在。
2010年1月8日 星期五
《牛津迷案》
阿根廷作家Guillermo Martinez寫的推理小說。故事內容講一個阿根廷的留學生來到英國牛津研究數學，結果捲入一宗與數學有關的謀殺案。每個兇案現場都留下一張畫了符號的小紙條，暗示了一個有待續寫的數字序列，要向牛律大學的邏輯學教授阿瑟‧塞爾登挑戰。而第一個被殺的房東太太，更曾在二戰期間參與破譯納粹英格瑪密碼的數學團隊…
作者本身是布宜諾斯艾利斯的數學教授，曾於牛津留學兩年研究數學，所以啟發了這部小說。
小說薄薄的，兇殺淡淡然。辦案手法之輕，之如書內塞爾登說，他之所以醉心數學，不外乎因為年少時發現微小的舉動將牽連甚遠，嚇怕了他。但在數學的世界裡，他可大膽提出推論、展開行動，而不會傷害任何人。
內裡提到布札第、德昆西、艾略特、伍爾芙、維根斯坦、劉易斯‧卡洛斯、谷山豐…。畢達哥拉學派、哥德爾定理、費馬大定理等數學原理，融合在謀殺之中，在兇案拉到歷史大環境之中去論述。但是當一簡一難的答案舖在面前，數學家總建議我們先接受簡單的那一個。但是書中一個非專業數學家弗蘭克卻提出了維根斯坦的無窮盡規則的悖論。說到那看似錯誤的答案，錯得如此離奇巧妙，原來根本不能說是錯，而只是一個更複雜的答案，只說明了序列不只一種解答，只說明了我們永遠可隨意編寫第四個序列而創造新秩序。那種踏著跳板踰越簡單推論的人，大約三百年才有一個。但面對此等失序，研究員紛紛抓狂。而簡明的真相其實一早放在眼前，讓我想到，其實我們沒有那個運氣，得以站在三個世紀的關口上捕捉迷離。
有一段，主角們去看魔術。我很喜歡：
「你們肯定好奇，」他說，「為甚麼這麼大一杯子水而我只喝了一小口。這裡的水還足夠讓一條魚在裡面暢遊。」他抽出一條紅絲帕，緩緩地擦著玻璃。「也許，」他說，「如果我們能擦乾淨玻璃，並想象裡面有五彩小石頭，也許，就像普萊維爾詩歌中的籠子那樣，我們也能抓到一條魚。」他挪開手帕，我們看到果真有一條金魚貼著玻璃壁在游曳，杯底還有一些彩色小石子。
「你們知道，從我們最古老的祖先——畢達哥拉斯派的魔術師——遭到那場大火開始，我們一代代魔術師就遭到殘酷迫害。是的，數學和魔術系出同根，且很長時間以來保守著同一個秘密。在彼得與”行邪術的西門”的鬥爭之後，也就是魔術師被基督教正式禁止之時，我們魔術師所遭受到的迫害最慘烈。他們其他人可能把麵包和魚成位增長。也就是在那時，魔術師們確定了沿用至今的生存之道：他們編寫了手冊解釋最明顯的花招，並在人群中散發。他們在表演中加入了傻乎乎的盒子和鏡子。漸漸地，他們使每個人都相信，每個魔術動作背後都有花招，他們淪為光說不練的魔術師，跟低俗的巫師沒甚麼區別，這樣，他們就能繼續秘密地按照他們的方式，在那些迫害者的鼻子底下使麵包和魚成倍增長。
「是的，最微妙、最耐用的花招就是讓所有人都相信魔法不存在。我自己也是最近才用這塊手帕的。但是對於真正的魔術師來說，手帕遮蓋的不是花招，而是一個更為古老的秘密。因此請你們記住，」他說道，帶著一絲調皮的笑容，「請你們永遠記住：魔法是不存在的。」他打了個響指，另一條金魚跳進了水裡。「魔法是不存在的。」他又打了個響指，第三條魚跳進了玻璃杯。他用手帕蓋住玻璃杯，當他將手帕再拿開時，杯子裡的石頭沒了，魚和杯子也都沒了。「魔法……是不存在的。」
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p.s. 改編電影有Leonor Watling演出。我才首次聽到塞爾登的英文名字其實就是Arthur Seldom。我太後知後覺了。
p.s.2 關於書中塞爾登給主角的序列迷題，書中並沒有解答。但見到(比我)聰明的網友解答了。序列是：
作者本身是布宜諾斯艾利斯的數學教授，曾於牛津留學兩年研究數學，所以啟發了這部小說。
小說薄薄的，兇殺淡淡然。辦案手法之輕，之如書內塞爾登說，他之所以醉心數學，不外乎因為年少時發現微小的舉動將牽連甚遠，嚇怕了他。但在數學的世界裡，他可大膽提出推論、展開行動，而不會傷害任何人。
內裡提到布札第、德昆西、艾略特、伍爾芙、維根斯坦、劉易斯‧卡洛斯、谷山豐…。畢達哥拉學派、哥德爾定理、費馬大定理等數學原理，融合在謀殺之中，在兇案拉到歷史大環境之中去論述。但是當一簡一難的答案舖在面前，數學家總建議我們先接受簡單的那一個。但是書中一個非專業數學家弗蘭克卻提出了維根斯坦的無窮盡規則的悖論。說到那看似錯誤的答案，錯得如此離奇巧妙，原來根本不能說是錯，而只是一個更複雜的答案，只說明了序列不只一種解答，只說明了我們永遠可隨意編寫第四個序列而創造新秩序。那種踏著跳板踰越簡單推論的人，大約三百年才有一個。但面對此等失序，研究員紛紛抓狂。而簡明的真相其實一早放在眼前，讓我想到，其實我們沒有那個運氣，得以站在三個世紀的關口上捕捉迷離。
有一段，主角們去看魔術。我很喜歡：
「你們肯定好奇，」他說，「為甚麼這麼大一杯子水而我只喝了一小口。這裡的水還足夠讓一條魚在裡面暢遊。」他抽出一條紅絲帕，緩緩地擦著玻璃。「也許，」他說，「如果我們能擦乾淨玻璃，並想象裡面有五彩小石頭，也許，就像普萊維爾詩歌中的籠子那樣，我們也能抓到一條魚。」他挪開手帕，我們看到果真有一條金魚貼著玻璃壁在游曳，杯底還有一些彩色小石子。
「你們知道，從我們最古老的祖先——畢達哥拉斯派的魔術師——遭到那場大火開始，我們一代代魔術師就遭到殘酷迫害。是的，數學和魔術系出同根，且很長時間以來保守著同一個秘密。在彼得與”行邪術的西門”的鬥爭之後，也就是魔術師被基督教正式禁止之時，我們魔術師所遭受到的迫害最慘烈。他們其他人可能把麵包和魚成位增長。也就是在那時，魔術師們確定了沿用至今的生存之道：他們編寫了手冊解釋最明顯的花招，並在人群中散發。他們在表演中加入了傻乎乎的盒子和鏡子。漸漸地，他們使每個人都相信，每個魔術動作背後都有花招，他們淪為光說不練的魔術師，跟低俗的巫師沒甚麼區別，這樣，他們就能繼續秘密地按照他們的方式，在那些迫害者的鼻子底下使麵包和魚成倍增長。
「是的，最微妙、最耐用的花招就是讓所有人都相信魔法不存在。我自己也是最近才用這塊手帕的。但是對於真正的魔術師來說，手帕遮蓋的不是花招，而是一個更為古老的秘密。因此請你們記住，」他說道，帶著一絲調皮的笑容，「請你們永遠記住：魔法是不存在的。」他打了個響指，另一條金魚跳進了水裡。「魔法是不存在的。」他又打了個響指，第三條魚跳進了玻璃杯。他用手帕蓋住玻璃杯，當他將手帕再拿開時，杯子裡的石頭沒了，魚和杯子也都沒了。「魔法……是不存在的。」
------
p.s. 改編電影有Leonor Watling演出。我才首次聽到塞爾登的英文名字其實就是Arthur Seldom。我太後知後覺了。
p.s.2 關於書中塞爾登給主角的序列迷題，書中並沒有解答。但見到(比我)聰明的網友解答了。序列是：
M ♥ 8
答案
M=1
♥=2
8=3
M=1
♥=2
8=3
2009年9月9日 星期三
29 小女孩
堅強的她是我的內在法律﹐我活在她裡﹐就像她成了我的女兒。由此﹐我以我的方式撤消化解了死亡：因為如許多哲學家所言﹐如果死亡是種族延續的無情勝利﹐個體之死乃為了成全總體的生命﹐個體為重造自我而生產了非我的他人﹐繼而本身死去﹐被否定超越﹐那麼沒有下一代的我﹐在我母親臥病時﹐我孕育了她。她去世了﹐我也不再有任何理由去配合至高(種族)生命的步調。我的個體性永遠不能普遍化(除非﹐理想化地由寫作而迄及﹐從此以後﹐寫作計畫將是我生命的唯一目的)﹐我只能靜待自己的死亡﹐完全的﹐沒有死生延續之辯證之死亡。
這就是我從冬園相片解讀出的意義。
31 家庭﹐母親
有人說服喪哀悼經由漸進過程而慢慢拂去傷慟，我以往並不相信﹐此刻更不能；因為對我而言時間消除了「痛失」的感受(我不哭泣)﹐如此而已。其他一切依然如故。因為我失去的並不是一個人形(母親)﹐而是一個生命體；不是一個生命體﹐而是一個質(一個靈魂)：並非不可或缺﹐而是不可替換。沒有母親﹐我可以活下去(我們遲早都如此)﹐但我生命的餘年﹐直到最終﹐肯定將是不能以任何質來形容的(沒有質的)。
37 停滯
照片不會「洋溢」滿室﹐沒有芳香﹐沒有旋律﹐只是個瞪大眼的東西。攝影很暴力：不是因為它能顯示暴力場面﹐而是它一次又一次地強迫塞滿視界﹐照片裡頭﹐無可迴拒﹐無可轉化(人們可能會說有時甜美與暴力未必相抵觸；很多人說糖甘甜﹐可是我呢﹐我覺得很暴力﹐糖)。
38 平板的死亡
可佈的是：對於我最愛的人之死﹐沒有甚麼可說的﹐關於她的相片﹐沒甚麼可談的﹐我只能注視著相片而無法深入或轉化它。我惟有的「想法」是：在這第一個死亡之後﹐我自己的死也已註定；兩者之間﹐再無甚麼﹐只有等待﹐我沒有其他對策﹐只有反諷：談論著「沒甚麼好談」。
39 時間之為刺點
這新的刺點，沒有形，只有強度，它就是時間，就是所思(「此曾在」)教人柔腸寸斷的激烈表現，純粹代表。
《明室》Roland Barthes
堅強的她是我的內在法律﹐我活在她裡﹐就像她成了我的女兒。由此﹐我以我的方式撤消化解了死亡：因為如許多哲學家所言﹐如果死亡是種族延續的無情勝利﹐個體之死乃為了成全總體的生命﹐個體為重造自我而生產了非我的他人﹐繼而本身死去﹐被否定超越﹐那麼沒有下一代的我﹐在我母親臥病時﹐我孕育了她。她去世了﹐我也不再有任何理由去配合至高(種族)生命的步調。我的個體性永遠不能普遍化(除非﹐理想化地由寫作而迄及﹐從此以後﹐寫作計畫將是我生命的唯一目的)﹐我只能靜待自己的死亡﹐完全的﹐沒有死生延續之辯證之死亡。
這就是我從冬園相片解讀出的意義。
31 家庭﹐母親
有人說服喪哀悼經由漸進過程而慢慢拂去傷慟，我以往並不相信﹐此刻更不能；因為對我而言時間消除了「痛失」的感受(我不哭泣)﹐如此而已。其他一切依然如故。因為我失去的並不是一個人形(母親)﹐而是一個生命體；不是一個生命體﹐而是一個質(一個靈魂)：並非不可或缺﹐而是不可替換。沒有母親﹐我可以活下去(我們遲早都如此)﹐但我生命的餘年﹐直到最終﹐肯定將是不能以任何質來形容的(沒有質的)。
37 停滯
照片不會「洋溢」滿室﹐沒有芳香﹐沒有旋律﹐只是個瞪大眼的東西。攝影很暴力：不是因為它能顯示暴力場面﹐而是它一次又一次地強迫塞滿視界﹐照片裡頭﹐無可迴拒﹐無可轉化(人們可能會說有時甜美與暴力未必相抵觸；很多人說糖甘甜﹐可是我呢﹐我覺得很暴力﹐糖)。
38 平板的死亡
可佈的是：對於我最愛的人之死﹐沒有甚麼可說的﹐關於她的相片﹐沒甚麼可談的﹐我只能注視著相片而無法深入或轉化它。我惟有的「想法」是：在這第一個死亡之後﹐我自己的死也已註定；兩者之間﹐再無甚麼﹐只有等待﹐我沒有其他對策﹐只有反諷：談論著「沒甚麼好談」。
39 時間之為刺點
這新的刺點，沒有形，只有強度，它就是時間，就是所思(「此曾在」)教人柔腸寸斷的激烈表現，純粹代表。
《明室》Roland Barthes
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