任
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　何
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　生
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　涯
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　，
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　不
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　比
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　放
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　手
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　更
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　壞
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　，
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　不
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　比
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　吻
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　你
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　愉
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　快

請你告訴我盡頭就是如此這般。我那夜如此急切的找自己的脈搏、房間斜軋，耳環與耳針耳托分離，沾滿病菌的紙張給狗兒撕開片片。而且一閉上眼，我就看見，有三個人在泡滿腐屍的水池講道。就看見大家都在水面上寫字。然後早起捕蟲的鳥兒起來叫了。我告訴自己，現在最黑、最黑，沒事的、會過去的。

對我來說，你的傷悲，幾近無處由來。

"Eliza -" I said, "so may of the books I've read to you said that love was the most important thing of all. Maybe I should tell you that I love you now."

"Go ahead," she said.

"I love you, Eliza," I said.

She thought about it. "No," she said at last, "I don't like it."

"Why not?" I said.

"It's as though you were pointing a gun at my head," she said. "It's just a way of getting somebody to say something they probably don't mean. What else can I say, or anybody say, but 'I love you, too'?"

"You don't love me?" I said.

"What could anybody love about Bobby Brown?" she said.


---"Slapstick" Kurt Vonnegut

只要想到，快電影節了。只會剩下我、影像和黑暗。我就甚麼都不怕。

時常有人對我說：他還在又怎麼樣。妳能幹啥。

我告訴你，那末我會，在自己身上繫根綫。讓他拖著我走。帶著我跑。直到粉身碎骨。

然後我今天，被你的形象充斥。那個一身白，生命快走到盡頭的你。

人子叫猶大，去罷，去幹你要做的事罷。人子說彼得，你要三次不認我。人子對父說：我怕。請拿走我的苦杯，但不要聽我的。傑，如果我們認定了一個終站，或至少是一個座標上的指向，便朝那走去，而且要溫柔地，容讓身邊的人朝我的地撒按釘。然後堅定穩實的，踏上去。讓它蝕進肉，扎進骨，帶著那釘，直走到盡頭。我要在盡頭，以那釘，抵向地，敲出舞步樂章。

那舞又沒有甚麼觀眾。猶大吊死了，不生在世上倒好。彼得雞啼後便走了。只有父說：歡迎回來。

以為那是盡頭，原來不過是當初啟程之處。

然而傑，我們手上都有我們的釘要撒。如果我們有哪天決定不去撒釘了。我們便握緊拳頭，把它們的利刺統統沒在掌心裡。讓它的力量推瀉進自己體內。按釘又何嘗不是要向著它的方向直到盡頭。我們把它的盡頭、其它形形式式的盡頭，都帶到我們自身的盡頭之處。傑，如果我決定這樣做，請你，抱我一抱。只因為實在太痛了。

我很想念你。尤其在這樣的日子。我上次收了個漂亮的筷子套。它教人如何執筷。執好了，它說："Now you can pick up everything." 我想，everything，也可能也包括你像山巒的肩頭。於是我在想，我有一雙筷子，也就有了你的身，有了你的身，我是無所不往的。你給我生活的全部勇氣，但我其實手頭只有一雙象牙筷。

如果要在筷上刻字，刻甚麼好? 我最近在電影裡看到一句，我告訴你：「兩手空空，原是至福。」

If God is benevolent, then why do we have such a capacity to feel pain? Our nerves are supposed to alert us to dangers; that's the biological reason for pain. Yet we can feel pain far past the level necessary to alert us the danger. We can feel the acute level of pain beyond description. And, not only that we have this capacity as all animals do, but we further have the mental capacity to suffer again and again emotionally and phychily, no other animal share that capacity. Does God hate us that much? Or does he love us that much? And if not, if it's just an arbitrary flaw in our DNA that designed to appoint us all these pains, he is giving us to endure? Make us as indifferent to the suffering of others as he is? And, so, shouldn't we emulate him?

像約翰那樣效法祂——延長、改進及陶醉於痛楚的感覺，以及一切製造痛楚的方式? 約翰知道這是純淨生命的真義。

John understands this is the essence of pure.

《黑暗，帶我走》
Dennis Lehane

patrick,

the issue is pain, understand this.

initially, there wasn't any grand plan. I killed someone almost by accident really. and I felt all those things you're supposed to feel---guilt, revoltion, fear, shame, self-hatred. I took a bath to clean myself from her blood. sitting in the tub, I vomited, but I didn't move. I sat there, the water stank with her blood and my shame. the stink of my immortal sin.

then I drained the tub, and showered, and... went on. what the human do after all once they've done something immoral, or inconceivable, they go on. there is no other choice, if you slipped past the grasp of the law.

so I went about my life. and then those feelings of shame and guilt went away. I thought they linger forever. but they didn't.

and I remember thinking, it can't be this simple. but it was. and pretty soon, more out of curiosity than anything, I killed someone else, and it felt, well, nice, calming. the way of cold glass of beer must feel to an alcoholic coming off an dry spell. the way of first night of sexual intercourse must feel to lovers who kept apart.

taking other's life is a lot like sex actually. sometimes it's a transcendent, orgasmic act. but other times, it's just so-so, okay, no big deal, but what are you going to do? sort of sensation. but it never less than interesting, it's something you remember.

I'm not sure why I'm writing you, patrick. who I am as I write this, isn't who I am during my day job, not who I am when I kill. I wear a lot of faces, and some you never see and some you never want to. I've seen a few of your faces---a pretty one, a violent one, a reflective one, some others---and I wonder, which you'll wear when we meet with carrion between us. I do wonder.

all guiltless, I heard, will need reproach, maybe self. and so be it. I'm not sure the worthy victims are worth all the trouble actually.

I dreamed once that I was stranded on a planet of white sand, and the sky was white, that's all it was---me, spilling drifts of white sand as wide as ocean and the burning white sky. I was alone, and small. after days of wandering, I could smell my own rot. I know I'll die on this drift of white and under the hot sky. I prayed for shade, eventually it came. and it had a voice, and a name. "Come," darkness said. "Come with me." but I was weak, I was rotting. I couldn't rise my knees. "Darkness," I said. "Take my hand, take me away fromt his place." and Darkness did.

so, you see what I am teaching you, patrick?

Best,
The Father

昨天搭了一趟穿梭巴士。坐我後面有兩個女孩。巴士路過一所教會。她們說：「耶穌愛我，好變態。」

許多人告訴我："Oscar doesn't mean anything." 但我就覺得："Oscar isn't nothing."

我知道，我坐定定三四個鐘，只為找著那些曾與他共對的臉孔。只為看帕納索斯那兩個提名的小小剪輯片段。看Morgan Freeman解釋TDK混音效果時的零落片段。只為看看究竟是誰代表他作為前屆最佳男配角去頒獎。

只因為這屆奧斯卡其實仍然與你有關。你仍然在場。我也相信在場每個與你共事過的人，看見那一秒間閃現的蒼白臉容時，悸動同樣。

一、
我想你是那種連棺材的裡布都用紫色的人。

二、
時常有人問我，現在對那人是甚麼感覺。我在問自己怎樣定義自己對一個有感覺。我想就是那種無論如何都想那個人安好的心情。從常識的角度看，只要那個人安好，我是甚麼甚麼感覺，本是無關緊要的。但事實是，我已不再渴求那人的安好。那人過的好，過的不好。我都不再慾求。

三、
時常有人說：「妳真好。」然後我說：「我不是。」然後他們笑了。我也笑了。因為將來黑暗的日子必多。

我在很舊很舊的工廠大廈迷路。我們忘了遊戲規則。我在一個房間裡看到兩個一模一樣的人。我於是偷了一部單車回家。回家後里安來，告訴我們不要到工廠的餐廳去，因為奇怪的事情發生了。我說我害怕，不要再說下去。他就說抱歉。樣子溫柔。他坐到我們中間來。一起手牽著手睡覺。然後他發狂似的咬著我的朋友。我掙脫開來。看著他們全死在我的床上。溶溶爛爛。我大叫父親，問他這該如何消毒。我打開衣櫃。就見到兩個女人的頭。有一個還在抽抽答答的哭泣。我就問爸家裡還有沒有身體。我們把她縫上去吧。爸叫我不要發瘋。

一切都是因為上學的路，我走了地下隧道。進了升降機。我於是走上面的路。但是一個又一個轉彎都在重覆自己。放滿了人形雕像。我一邊跑一邊尖叫。

終於出了去。不再重覆。別人罵我有病，叫的這麼大聲。然後我們聽到剛才的花園有人嚎叫的厲害。我們圍攏過去一探究竟。他們說，那裡出現了最可怕的怪物。

我夢見一個女人，在找東西。我希望她在我醒來前，能找到她想要找到的。萬水千山，她受了許多苦頭。給唾棄、愚弄、誤導。她飢餓又疲倦。渾身泥濘。我卻已忘記她想要找的是甚麼。然後她向兩個男人打探。男人把她的臉打壞。然後強暴了她。於是我醒了。我在心裡跟她說：別再找了。